Hi guys,

Please forgive any faux pas in my posting; this is my first forum participation.  I have been listening to TwiB (nee Blacking It Up) podcasts for the past two years consistently and finally felt it time to speak up.  I also apologize for being so late posting on this topic . . . I am applying for jobs as a high school teacher and felt it necessary to insulate myself from comments some might find controversial; I also wish to protect the identities of those involved .

First, let me state the following is not intended to minimize the effects and severity of rape or to claim my experience is any way indicative of the majority of such crimes.  I have a relative who was forcibly raped in college and subsequently attempted suicide.  I only attempt to add nuance.  In addition, I will reference laws and definitions (disparate as they may be depending on states and sources) I do not wish amended to be made more lax.  This is simply my story.

This event occurred approximately fifteen years ago with a wonderful young lady; she and I went on to have a healthy and lovely three year relationship and continue to be friends.

We were friends, clumsily making steps toward romantic involvement and spending nearly every waking moment together.  I was an awkward twenty-one year old virgin and she a nineteen year old with sexual experience.  We shared our first kiss earlier in the evening and she told me she intended to take my virginity that night.  We were house-sitting for friends and were unexpectedly visited by tangential acquaintances who didn’t realize the normal occupants were out of town.  We bought a fifth of whiskey and settled into conversation for the next hour or so.  She and the friends drank heavily; I remained sober since I had an errand to later run.  The three of them expressed a desire for marijuana and I left for an hour or so to run the errand and pick up a joint from my roommate.  When I came back the three of them smoked the joint (I didn’t use marijuana) and she began pressuring me to have sex with her (she was hammered).  I declined, as politely as was possible, primarily because I did not want my first sexual experience to be in those circumstances.  The next day she told me she thought she had sex with one of the boys there and had been so drunk that she didn’t even know if he had used a condom.

I can claim no moral high ground in my decision not to fuck her, nor even an awareness of laws and consequences.  My abstinence was purely based in selfishness; I wanted a special first sexual experience and I wanted a long-term relationship with her, rather than just a fling.  Counter-factually, had we slept together I would be a rapist in both the eyes of the law (though successful prosecution in such an instance is unlikely) and my own moral convictions .  As I mentioned before, she and I entered that loving relationship I had hoped for.

I could continue on forever, but should just post this before I lose my nerve.

Thank you

ps  I will monitor any response and feel happy to respond.

This will only work when women are more vocal on the matter. If they keep letting people who think that they deserved for it to happen to them, or that is the same as sex before marriage, and its was guided by a holy figure make most of the noise things will never change. When this happens on school grounds it should be referred to local police to investigate.

Counter-factually, had we slept together I would be a rapist in both the eyes of the law (though successful prosecution in such an instance is unlikely) and my own moral convictions.

Actually, it’s a little trickier than that. The legal definition of rape changes from state-to-state. Some states call it rape, others sexual assault, in some states rape must be forcible (which is ridiculous because it’s all forcible). Anyway, the one consistent element across state lines is the legitimacy of consent, but that’s a whole new barrel of monkeys because consent also varies from state to state. Typically, a victim has to be intoxicated beyond the point of consciousness for it to be considered rape, but again, an argument could be made about what “consciousness” is. Regardless, it sounds to me like you would have been two consenting adults but you opted to wait until you were both alert and sober before making a significant life decision.