Posted by Reese Waters On February - 13 - 200910 COMMENTS
So many issues, so little space. Well, I really have as much space as I want but the more I write, the more people expect me to write and I’m never one for raising expectations.
There was that Super Bowl and a great Australian Open final between two all-time greats. But, I really don’t have much to say.
Congratulations to Pittsburgh-their fans deserve it for putting up with everything else involved with living in northern West Virginia. Including the World Series, we have two straight championships going to horrible places to live. I like this trend. Anything to distract them from the fact that in the game of life, they finished last in the division.
I won’t even poke fun at Roger Federer for his waterworks after Nadal beat him at the Australian open.I cried at my college graduation when I, like Federer, saw that the good times were over and it was time to get a real job.
Does DeVry have a tennis team?
I was all set to write about Kobe vs. Lebron on Sunday, which was promptly downgraded to Odom vs. Szczerbiak, then the A-rod news hit. It was a “Where were you…” moment this A-Rod hater and the entire Crown Heights chapter of A-Rod Haters. Really, what’s not to hate? I’m a broke Red Sox fan who struggles with the ladies, so I hate on many levels. I’m not afraid to say that by the way, and if you’ve read this column before you’ve already surmised my feminine deficiencies.
That being said, my initial reaction wasn’t elation or satisfaction, but sadness. I no longer saw the guy whose superhuman feats made me feel small but another human being, a much larger, more accomplished one, but a human being nevertheless. One who’s routinely booed by his own fans and whose marriage was dissolved on the back pages of the NY tabloids.The only thing Alex Rodriguez has is his accomplishments in baseball, and in a matter of a few hours that was taken from him.
We want to know why. Why would Alex Rodriquez take steroids? That’s easy. A-Rod took steroids because he was playing professional baseball during a time when professional baseball players took steroids.
No, it’s not right and never will be. But, imagine a world where owners, baseball officials and the players union all turn a blind eye to a growing steroid problem. Imagine taking the field knowing players on your own team are cheating and you have every reason to suspect the pitcher you’re facing is as well. Imagine devoting your entire life to the game with that as your primary means of supporting yourself and your family. It’s still not right, but it sure is complicated. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing. In fact, I thought I’d found my own comedy performance enhancing drug called “Steel Reserve” but I found out it caused diarrhea of every orifice. Especially the mouth.
I think Alex Rodriguez deserves to have his achievements scrutinized but he doesn’t deserve the vilification that is sure to follow.
Keeping it Classy
If anyone should be vilified, it’s the owners, who benefited the most from the steroid era, with increased ticket sales, ratings and overall interest in what was an aging pastime, yet escape now without any culpability. It’s always the men on the front lines who take all the bullets.
Posted by Reese Waters On January - 16 - 20095 COMMENTS
As both a New Yorker and defiant member of Red Sox nation, I’ve been in many a drunken debates, and even a few sober ones, and I must say, ignoring the popped collar, frosted tips, fake tan, and broken English, Yankee fans are among the most knowledgeable and sensible fans anywhere. In fact, they’re often much more relatable than other Sox fans, many of whom take pride in their ability to panic at a moment’s notice. How is it then, that NY Giants fans can be among the most myopic, ignorant and short-sighted in all of sports? Aren’t these the same fans?
I set my alarm clock to NY sports talk radio, because my disgust at the garbage coming out of the speakers forces me to get up just to restore my sanity. Whatever’s going on today is the greatest thing ever and yesterday was a bum. Last weekend, I overheard on Michael Kay’s show, who by the way works as a broadcaster for the YES network, so his Yankee coverage couldn’t be more biased if he was Dominican (have you ever met a Dominican Met fan?), that if the Giants win another Super Bowl, coach Tom Coughlin’s resume would surpass that of Bill Parcells. You know, Tom Coughlin, the same guy who just 15 months ago was just waiting to get fired and took every paycheck as a gift—the way you do unemployment. Parcells, on the other hand, resurrected a dead Patriots franchise and handed it over to Bill Belichick to start this decade’s dynasty, brought decency to the terrible Jets with nothing more than Vinny Testaverde, set up the Cowboys to win multiple championships that Wade Phillips and Tony Romo have successfully thwarted, and just this year, made the one-win 2007 Miami Dolphins into a playoff team. This was all after his second Super Bowl win with the Giants.
No one’s profile has benefited more from Giant myopia than Eli Manning. The guy whose drafting was considered a fireable offense two years ago. Now? According to NY’s own Max Kellerman, he’s even better than Peyton. You know, Peyton Manning, the 2008 NFL MVP.In fact, when the Giants won the Super Bowl last year, my first thought wasn’t how dominant the offensive and defensive lines were, or how great a game I just witnessed, but how awful Giants fans were going to be and how a game won in the trenches would be spun into the legend of Eli Manning.
Giant Fans Will Defend This
It can’t be easy to be a Giant. Or a Jet. Or a Knick for that matter. NY sports fans are spoiled by the rich success of the NY Yankees, so much so that any season without a championship is considered a failure. That’s really not fair though, when you consider that those other teams operate with a salary cap, leveling the playing field and giving the Knicks same chance to win it all as the Charlotte Bobcats and the Giants the same chance as the Detroit Lions. If all things were equal, the Giants and Knicks would only win every few decades. Of course, all things aren’t equal, and New York attracts the very best, from general managers, to coaches, to chefs, to strippers, except for Lace. It’s not the Yankee advantage, but it is a start. Even so, it’s a rough life when your fans expect you to consistently beat teams that parity dictates are as even as possible. Is that what makes Giants fans so crazy when they win? Does their utter devastation when they lose, make them completely irrational when they win?
Whatever the reason, I was happy the Eagles won last weekend. Not that I love Philly. I just wanted Giants fans to see what everybody else sees.
Weekly Schadenfreude –The KO is good, the laughter is great, the ref is fantastic (thanks Jake).
Posted by Reese Waters On January - 9 - 200915 COMMENTS
I’m watching the Philadelphia Eagles dismantling of the Vikings + Tavaris Jackson, and when it was over, I found myself feeling empty and unfulfilled—the feeling you get after the bouncers finally come out and break up a good street fight. Then Martin came on and lifted my spirits, as it typically does. In fact, Martin was the perfect epilogue to the Eagles signature win.
The proprietor of this fine website loves to mention that he knows nothing about sports, which is both shameful and effeminate, but I thought I’d build a bridge and provide a simple guide to the NFL playoffs, with the use of 90’s Black sitcoms as my guide. For those of you who have spent all your time watching sports and always wanted to know more about 90’s Black sitcoms, you might also find this useful.
How to get carried away with a simple analogy:
Philadelphia Eagles=Martin
At their heights, both are almost untouchable. When Martin had his good stuff, when Sheneneh, Mama Payne, Otis, Roscoe and my personal favorite Jerome were all fresh, when Tracey Morgan’s Hustle Man brought chitlin loaf to the wedding, the first, um, hundred times we saw Bro man (sp?)—that’s as entertaining as television gets for me.
Likewise, when Brian Westbrook is healthy, Donovan McNabb uses his legs to create time for his receivers, and Jim Johnson brings deadly blitzes from the secondary, the Eagles can beat anyone. The problem is, that’s a ton if “if’s.”The Eagles also played the two worst games of the year not involving Detroit against Washington and Cincinnati. Martin on the other hand gave us two whole seasons when he couldn’t be in the same scene with Gina because of a pending restraining order and sexual misconduct case.When you watch a Martin rerun, you’re rolling the dice with the next 30 minutes of your life. It could be nostalgic bliss. It could resemble a poorly produced Jr. High School play. That sounds about right to me, Eagles fans.
Who Let Philly In?
Arizona Cardinals=Living Single
The Cardinals undeservingly make the playoffs after winning one of the worst divisions in recent memory, while this outhouse of a show is immediately gifted an audience with a Martin lead-in. Besides, what better than a show about four single women to describe a team that can’t play on the road, in bad weather, or at certain times of the month.
New York Giants=Family Matters
Do you know what the longest running Black sitcom was? The Jeffersons. Second? Family Matters. FAMILY MATTERS! Not the Cosby Show, Family matters. Not the game…that I live and die for…play every game like it’s my last…but Family Matters. I’ll admit, I enjoyed it, but I don’t look back at that time of my life with much fondness. I also enjoyed Full House and Manwich. Plus, that stupid show is the reason people called any Black kid with glasses “Urkel” until they were 13. YOU DON’T KNOW THE PAIN….well, New England Patriot fans, and any sports fan looking to see something great, like a perfect season which will never happen again, knows the pain! Thanks a lot Giants and Family Matters.
To the team that has quietly (if you don’t live in the NY/NJ metro area) owned the NFL for the last 15 months. Extra credit goes to Eli Manning who actually managed to become more loathsome that Steve Urkel himself and to Harris Smith, whose shooting of Plaxico Burress provided an even swifter fall from grace than the Winslow daughter who got into porn.
I've Come a Long Way Since This Photo Was Taken
Carolina Panthers=Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Great defense, great running game, great offensive line, great playmaker, great coaching. Great writing, great performances, great production, great eye candy for your pre and post-pubescent needs. This should be easy right? I absolutely loved this show during its run….but have you ever tried watching Fresh Prince reruns? It’s abysmal. It’s absurdly dated, the jokes are predictable and the clothes made my eyes bleed. You would think a show that was so well made would hold up much better. Likewise, as formidable as the Panthers look this year, this is the same exact team that has grossly disappointed for the last five years. For whatever reason, the total is less than the sum of the parts.
Tennessee Titans=Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper
An extreme example of the Fresh Prince example, I recall this being an okay show. I enjoyed Mark Curry’s work, aside from the fact that when I did turn 13, people stopped calling me Urkel and started calling me Mr. Cooper’s illegitimate son.However, upon further review, reruns reveal that this was truly one of the worst things ever to appear on my television—and that includes many half-hours of The Wayans Bros. Try and watch an episode. I dare you. In fact, I’d love to for you to leave me your thoughts in the comments section after the show—how do you feel about yourself now? About life?
While Tennessee doesn’t stink, most writers and analysts anointed them the team to beat in the AFC throughout the season because of their gaudy record, but now that we look back, they weren’t nearly as good as we thought. They could prove me wrong, but I have a feeling Baltimore is gonna recreate a few scenes from Oz this weekend.
Happy Birthday, Kenny
Pittsburgh Steelers=Cosby
No, not the Cosby Show. Cosby. You know, the half-assed, geriatric version that Bill decided we needed to see. Evidently, the first show left us feeling way too positive about Black representation on television, so Bill gave us a bitter character who doesn’t work. Awesome.
Cosby did have two principles from the Greatest Black Sitcom of all time (personally, I prefer Good Times, but objectively speaking you can’t go any other way) in Mr. Cosby and Phylicia Rashad, so that assured a certain level of decency, but they’ve both seen better days.
The Steelers have all the tools necessary to go all the way, but, aside from Jerome Bettis, this is the exact same team that won the Super Bowl two years ago. I think we’ve already seen the best of this Pittsburgh team. Besides, with all the hits he’s taken this season, Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is in the exact same physical condition as Bill Cosby. Right now, at 71.
Baltimore Ravens=Roc
Set in Baltimore, Roc was flat out the scariest sitcom I’ve ever seen. There were shootings, stabbings, drug deals, sexual assaults and Tone Loc. The gritty feel of the show, the producer’s attempt to shoot the show live, along with their frequent use of local unknown actors meant when someone got killed in Roc, you wanted to call the police. You never saw them again on Roc, or any other show for that matter. They disappeared from your life forever.
The Ravens defense is that violent. Led by Ray Lewis, Terrell “T Sizzle” Suggs and Ed Reed, we’re still not sure what they’re capable of. It’s the single scariest unit in the league. By the numbers, there are arguably better defenses, although I disagree. But this is the only defense that brings a switchblade into the pile.
San Diego Chargers=Homeboys in Outer Space
The biggest mystery in my present life goes with the biggest mystery of my adolescent life. If you can figure out the San Diego Chargers, you can also tell me why someone sent Dwayne Wayne’s best friend into space.
This Happened
Lastly, I’d like to introduce a segment called “Weekly Schadenfreude” because in 2009, I’m going to start feeling better about me.
Posted by Reese Waters On December - 16 - 20086 COMMENTS
Since Mid-December was about when I turned in my Thanksgiving term-papers, i thought it was a perfect time to give thanks to those people, places and things that have enriched my life over the past year. I’m always open to new suggestions, because my dating life suggests I’m not perfect. Starting with my favorite:
1) Phillyfan. No matter how drunk, bitter, violent, inappropriate or amorous we might feel in the moment, we always know someone else has set the bar so high, our exploits will eventually fade into Bolivian. Given just a single joyous moment in the last quarter century, Phillyfan did not disappoint.
2) The World Series. After said 25 years of futility, Philly finally breaks through in the least viewed Series of all time which included a 48 hour rain delay, against an expansion team that couldn’t sell out its own Playoff games. There is a baseball God.
3) The Ultimate Fighter. The one reality show where that loathsome housemate can get blasted in the face without repercussions or anger management.
4) Gliese581. The fantasy team that led my league most of the season, antagonized the other owners every week, caused a 2 day transaction freeze because be dropped a scrub by accident, brought a date to the draft, and swears his Cowboys laid down midseason to allow his fantasy team to rack up points against them. This is EXACTLY what I would do if my team didn’t stink.
Do NOT Let This Man Into Your League Under any Circumstances
5) Matt Millen. In response to the devastating, dream killing Dolphins win last season, Millen selflessly sacrificed his own job to allow all us to dream once more.
6) I do not live in Seattle. Just brutal. The single worst sports year of all time.
7) I do not live in Oklahoma City. Sure, they took Seattle’s basketball team. Of course, it’s not the playoff team with the exciting young point guard they thought they were getting. It’s only one of the worst teams in the history of history. After waiting decades for a professional team, in any sport, it took fans less than 15 games to boo them off the floor. Like they had something better to do.
8) Mike Singletary. While we lost a Reese favorite when Najeh Davenport was waived this year, his loss did not go unnoticed. The 49ers coach’s halftime tribute to Najeh was both touching and timeless.
9) Marvin Harrison. Allegedly shot a guy in the offseason, yet the only question he’s ever asked is whether he’s coming back next season. And he’s Black. I see, all we needed was a Black President to turn that thing around. O wait, I forgot, OJ’s in jail again.
10) Mike D’Antoni. With the Knicks clearly dumping payroll for 2010 and D’Antoni bringing an uptempo style that increases possessions, we might actually see the first 80 point loss in NBA history.
11) Wanderlei Silva. There are crimes, they are crimes against humanity, and there’s what happened to Keith Jardine.
Only John Matua can fully comprehend what happened. Speaking of whom, someone recently argued that the last punch Tank Abbott hit him with was a cheap shot. In fact it wasn’t a punch at all. Tank merely asked Matua where his family was seated.
Posted by Reese Waters On November - 17 - 200816 COMMENTS
I am bitter. Last night, my beloved Redskins blew yet another crucial game to our blood rival, the Dallas Cowboys, opening the door for prison’s favorite NFL team to squeak back into the playoff race. While 28 years has conditioned me to devastating losses in the rivalry, my cat threw up across his chest. I couldn’t even get mad—I just stopped doing that. Our only solace is having won the game in Dallas earlier this year which started the Cowboys slide into mediocrity, where evidently, we decided to join them.
Pregame Smiles
I hate the Dallas Cowboys. As an upstanding citizen of Redskins nation, that should be a given, but I really hate the Dallas Cowboys. Only the New York Yankees have inspired more bandwagon jumping meatheads, over crowding the bars and partys, eating all the wings but none of the vegetables, thinking the “fumble” was when Jessica Simpson fell out of her dress.
Why makes Dallas important? Last I checked, Washington DC was the most powerful city in the world and Dallas was a decent show. We all do DC but only Debbie Does Dallas. At least there are plenty of drugs. Yet, the star Dallas QB gets the cover of US Weekly and Washington’s QB gets an endorsement from Kenny’s Shoes–which doesn’t even include free shoes.
Dallas is “America’s Team,” we only happen to be “America’s Capital.”How does that work? The Cowboys have become the league sanctioned rehabilitation program for drug addled thugs all over America—clearly the best embodiment of the Inscription millions saw on Liberty Island upon entering the US:
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to Dallas
The star on the side of the helmet used to stand for law. Now, it stands for Probation. That is America’s team.
We not only screwed the Redskins the first time around, you know when it mattered and all, but we compound the issue by making their enemies, the Cowboys, whose freewheeling displaced said Redskins, “America’s Team?” That’s a crime fitting of Jerry Jones’ money.
