It was announced recently that OG burger magnate McDonald’s has filed paperwork to trademark “McBrunch”. And I say McNOPE. The home of the original Ginger Mack Daddy Ronald McDonald hasn’t yet made any official statement about a new menu specifically dedicated to McBrunch, and I would like to go on record as strenuously objecting to this McConcept in its entirety.

By all means, continue to add healthier menu items. Give patrons more dining options that are under the umbrella of what it is that you serve and specialize in. But more options and healthy choices are a great way to expand what you do well already, which is cheap fast food. Brunch is about waiting forever on a Sunday afternoon with your good girlfriends, all of you with your hair still half-done from Saturday night, to casually tuck into an eggs benedict that’ll soak up what remains of that last cocktail you had before you finally called it a night. What the fuck does that have to do with McDonald’s?

Okay, so brunch doesn’t always have to look like every third episode of Sex and the City. Maybe it’s the one time a week you and your family get together to luxuriate in a family meal? Maybe you combine savory and sweet, breakfast and lunch, because you want a Caesar salad and the kids want chocolate chip pancakes and you can do that at brunch because that’s how brunch rolls.

On the contrary, have you ever tried to get a breakfast sandwich at 11:01 AM at a McDonald’s? They’ll meet you in the parking lot and tell you to turn right around because there will be no McMuffin for you today. Maybe the time varies at your location, from 10 AM to perhaps 11:30 at the outside, but at whatever time McDonald’s switches over to lunch in my neck of the woods, they swap out those drive through signs and remove all sausage from circulation with the stealth speed and urgency of the T-1000 chasing young John Connor in Terminator 2.

I remember when some locations began serving the breakfast menu after midnight. And earlier this year, McDonald’s flirted with the idea of allowing all sandwiches all day. Chaos ensued. Tastewise, I and anyone else who’s ever enjoyed a few cocktails and passed a Mickey D’s on the way home will know no greater glory than that Big Breakfast served up steaming on a Styrofoam platter. Those pancakes made of ???? and the sausage circle were made for tipsy tastebuds. But unless they intend to offer mimosas and bellinis, this translates in no way to the thing we call “brunch.”

I may or may not have once had a smuggling incident involving Bacardi at Disney World’s Epcot Center, but I shan’t ever be bringing a flask to a McDonald’s location in pursuit of what I know to be a brunch experience. Especially when said experience involves a Styrofoam platter.

Brunch need not be expensive or extravagant, but a part of it involves enjoying the location you’re in. A lovely sidewalk spot, a cozy café, even in someone’s home it kinda has to involve the joy of your environment and/or companionship at a particularly amorphous time of day, otherwise why even refer to it as that quasi-meal type with a special name? Does McDonald’s expect people to extravagantly indulge in their locations simply because they’ve introduced the B-word? Are they installing fireplaces? Will there be bottle service? I have questions.

I know that, like nearly everything else, it all comes down to the almighty McDollar. Ronald and Co. would happily say they’re offering sex and candy if it meant selling even one more item and they could legally get away with it. But in my opinion McDonald’s, and all of these places, would do better to stick to what they do best and rock that thing out.

Am I about to speak out against progress and for segregation? Yes, I think I am. When it comes to quickie food and beverage spots, I don’t need to buy music from Starbucks and I don’t want to brunch at McDonald’s. While we’re at it, I don’t go to Subway for pizza and Dunkin’ Donuts can keep their roast beef.

Listen. If you happen to be a person who enjoys a languorous visit to your local McDonald’s, whether to delight in some solo self-reflection or to bask in the fellowship of others, I mean you no offense. I just think that if you are this type of person, chances are you’re already doing this and some preposterously branded McWord is not going to sway you because you’re already sitting in the germ-filled ball pit with your McFlurry and a well-worn copy of Leaves of Grass. And good for you! Get your McLife, BooBoo.

For the rest of us? This is gonna be a no. Let it go, McDonald’s. Stop trying to make McBrunch happen. Don’t go chasing poached eggs; please stick to the Big Macs and the fries that you’re used to. The desperate rebranding, putting bistro tables in a few locations is already out of hand, and you’d do better taking however much money you’d be paying a graphic designer to come up with the perfect “McBrunch” font and using that to increase your employees’ minimum wage instead.

Brunch is slow. McDonald’s is synonymous with fast food. This won’t work. And frankly? You’re lucky we let you slide on the McCafé malarkey. Don’t push it.

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