President-Elect Barack Obama recently wrote an open letter to his daughters, Malia and Sasha,on Parade.com. The letter, which seems to be about 3 or 4 lined pages long, expresses his thoughts and desires for his children and . . . well . . . everyone’s children.
“I want all our children to go to schools worthy of their potential–schools that challenge them, inspire them, and instill in them a sense of wonder about the world around them. I want them to have the chance to go to college–even if their parents aren’t rich. And I want them to get good jobs: jobs that pay well and give them benefits like health care, jobs that let them spend time with their own kids and retire with dignity.”
I gotta say at 10 years old I would have just stared at this letter. “Dude, this is nice and all, but I still ain’t got my puppy. Whoopty doo, you want nice things for people, BUT I WANT MY DOG. Retire with dignity? WHAT THE CARE BEAR IS RETIRE!”
My mom kept it simple. “Clean your room. I love you. Don’t do dumb shit. No. STOP IT. ELON! Jesus, give me strength. I brought you into this world, I will take you out.”
On Tuesday, January 20th, 2009,Black people, it seems, will disappear off of the face of the earth.
Well, at least from their jobs in America for that day, according to the Associated Press.
“People across the country may notice the absence of their black colleagues and classmates on Inauguration Day, as many who won’t be traveling to Washington gather at homes, restaurants and churches, huddle around TVs and watch the historic swearing in from afar. And while the ceremony itself will only last a few hours, the entire day offers a chance to reflect and rejoice in the moment.“
First of all, who takes a “few hours” off from work? If you’re going to be gone from noon until 3 in the afternoon, I’m going to vote that you may not want to return to your workday. Plus your voice will be worn out from all the woohoo’ing. Not to mention you may have passed out from shock that they actually let this happen. Yeah, I said “THEY.” THEY know who THEY are.
January 20th, take off from work. January 21st, GO BACK to work. We can’t mess around now. None of that week long “Shit, the president is Black, I’ll go back when I feel like it” nonsense. Because if you get FIRED then, its gonna be all “THE WHITE MAN MAD CAUSE WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT!”
Perhaps. But the WHITE MAN might also be mad that those reports didn’t go out on Thursday like it was discussed in the last departmental meeting. Just saying . . .
In a surprising twist to this oft told tale, the BART officer who fatally shot Oscar Grant has been arrested on murder charges. We get a black President and now killing unarmed black men is illegal. I think that’s change we can all believe in.
(01-14) 00:13 PST Oakland – The BART police officer who fatally shot an unarmed man on an Oakland train platform and then refused to explain his actions to investigators was arrested Tuesday in Nevada on suspicion of murder, authorities said.
Johannes Mehserle, 27, of Lafayette was taken into custody in Douglas County, Nev., said Deputy Steve Velez of the Douglas County sheriff’s office. The arrest was also confirmed by David Chai, chief of staff to Oakland Mayor Ron Dellums.
Mehserle was arrested in the New Year’s Day shooting of Oscar Grant, a 22-year-old supermarket worker from Hayward who was lying facedown after being pulled off a BART train by police investigating a fight. An Alameda County judge signed an arrest warrant alleging murder, and Mehserle surrendered without incident, authorities said.
The shooting, which was recorded by passengers in videos widely circulated on the Internet and television, prompted public outrage, and some viewers said that the shooting appeared to be an execution.
Osama Bin Laden has released an entirely unexciting new audiotape in which he claims the two wars George W. Bush has led us into, plus the collapse of the economy, will leave the U.S. too weak to defend itself against Al Qaida’s holy warriors.
But he also called out Arab governments for not properly jihad-ing. “Islamic nation, you are capable of defeating the Zionist entity with your popular capabilities and your great hidden strength – without the support of (Arab) leaders and despite the fact that most of (the leaders) stand in the barracks of the Crusader-Zionist alliance,” he said.
He once again urged Muslims to “join hands with the mujahedeen to continue the jihad against the enemy, to continue bleeding them on these two fronts and on the others that are open to you.”
A reliable Debbie Downer, bin Laden also predicted doom and gloom for President-Elect Barack Obama: “If he withdraws from the war, it is a military defeat. If he continues, he drowns in economic crisis.”
In a delightfully sordid new case of he said / he said, Knick center Eddy Curry‘s limousine driver has slapped him with a sexual harassment suit. David Kuchinsky, 26, claims he he was subjected to various abuses by the basketball star, including having to clean up towels stained with Curry [ha!], getting called a “white devil” and being threatened at gunpoint.
Curry is said to have invited Kuchinsky to “Look at me, Dave, look” and, “Come and touch it, Dave.” Anyone else imagining Adina Howard playing in that limousine?
Curry’s people are trotting out the old “I’m appalled that my charity case has turned against me” line. “It’s shocking that Eddy opened his home to a convicted felon out of prison, and gave him a job when he couldn’t find a job, and this is what comes out of it,” said Curry’s lawyer Kelly Saindon.
Kuchinsky’s asking for $98,000 in what he says are unpaid wages and expenses Curry never reimbursed him. Eddy Curry’s contract will earn him $9.4 million this year.
As seen in the NYTimes, Charles M. Blow (hee hee) reports on the results of “Monitoring the Future,” a government-sponsored study by the University of Michigan. Overall illicit drug use, not including painkillers, is down by 24%. Use of cocaine, however, has held steady.
Blow notes, “According to the most recent data from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, admissions of white teenagers to drug treatment centers for crack and cocaine abuse soared 76 percent from 2001 to 2006. Crack and cocaine was the only illicit drug category in which the number of admissions for white teens grew over this period, and in 2006 the number was at its highest level since these data have been kept. By contrast, admissions among black teens for crack and cocaine over the same period held steady. By 2006, white admissions outnumbered those for blacks by more than 10 to 1.”
We can only wonder where these young, black crack and cocaine users are going while their white counterparts are sent off to rehab.
In honor of Barack Obama’s upcoming inauguration, Ben & Jerry’s is rolling out Yes Pecan! - “amber waves of buttery ice cream with roasted non-partisan pecans.”
Buy it throughout January and Ben & Jerry’s will donate the proceeds to the Common Cause Education Fund. Hey Ben & Jerry’s, if you’re all about the politics and such why not give us a new flavor like maybe, I dunno, Economic Downfall Cookie Dough? (which would just be vanilla ice cream cause WHO CAN AFFORD COOKIE DOUGH!)
What would’ve come down the Ben & Jerry’s pipe if McCain-Palin 2008 had pulled it off? Crunchy First? With bits of old dried up raisins and nuts that really werent ready to be put in the ice cream but they thought it might help with sales.
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On Sunday January 11th 2009, Bill Cosby appeared with Dr. Alvin Poussaint on Meet the Press discussing the issues within the black community and Barack Obama’s impact on well…the community.
Cosby has been a lightning rod for a few years now due to critique of the black community on such issues as education, the nuclear family, etc. Some say that that Cosby doesn’t have the right to offer such critique and some are outraged at his finger-wagging at poor black folks. I have on occasion defended Mr. Cosby but I do understand the anger his tone sometimes causes. What do you think?
I watched this hoping to better understand what happened. It’s absolutely inexcusable no matter what angle its shown from. Continue spreading the word about this horrific act. I apologize to those who are upset by this video but it needs to be seen. People must understand whats been done and whats positively, absolutely unacceptable.
I’m watching the Philadelphia Eagles dismantling of the Vikings + Tavaris Jackson, and when it was over, I found myself feeling empty and unfulfilled—the feeling you get after the bouncers finally come out and break up a good street fight. Then Martin came on and lifted my spirits, as it typically does. In fact, Martin was the perfect epilogue to the Eagles signature win.
The proprietor of this fine website loves to mention that he knows nothing about sports, which is both shameful and effeminate, but I thought I’d build a bridge and provide a simple guide to the NFL playoffs, with the use of 90’s Black sitcoms as my guide. For those of you who have spent all your time watching sports and always wanted to know more about 90’s Black sitcoms, you might also find this useful.
How to get carried away with a simple analogy:
Philadelphia Eagles=Martin
At their heights, both are almost untouchable. When Martin had his good stuff, when Sheneneh, Mama Payne, Otis, Roscoe and my personal favorite Jerome were all fresh, when Tracey Morgan’s Hustle Man brought chitlin loaf to the wedding, the first, um, hundred times we saw Bro man (sp?)—that’s as entertaining as television gets for me.
Likewise, when Brian Westbrook is healthy, Donovan McNabb uses his legs to create time for his receivers, and Jim Johnson brings deadly blitzes from the secondary, the Eagles can beat anyone. The problem is, that’s a ton if “if’s.”The Eagles also played the two worst games of the year not involving Detroit against Washington and Cincinnati. Martin on the other hand gave us two whole seasons when he couldn’t be in the same scene with Gina because of a pending restraining order and sexual misconduct case.When you watch a Martin rerun, you’re rolling the dice with the next 30 minutes of your life. It could be nostalgic bliss. It could resemble a poorly produced Jr. High School play. That sounds about right to me, Eagles fans.
Who Let Philly In?
Arizona Cardinals=Living Single
The Cardinals undeservingly make the playoffs after winning one of the worst divisions in recent memory, while this outhouse of a show is immediately gifted an audience with a Martin lead-in. Besides, what better than a show about four single women to describe a team that can’t play on the road, in bad weather, or at certain times of the month.
New York Giants=Family Matters
Do you know what the longest running Black sitcom was? The Jeffersons. Second? Family Matters. FAMILY MATTERS! Not the Cosby Show, Family matters. Not the game…that I live and die for…play every game like it’s my last…but Family Matters. I’ll admit, I enjoyed it, but I don’t look back at that time of my life with much fondness. I also enjoyed Full House and Manwich. Plus, that stupid show is the reason people called any Black kid with glasses “Urkel” until they were 13. YOU DON’T KNOW THE PAIN….well, New England Patriot fans, and any sports fan looking to see something great, like a perfect season which will never happen again, knows the pain! Thanks a lot Giants and Family Matters.
To the team that has quietly (if you don’t live in the NY/NJ metro area) owned the NFL for the last 15 months. Extra credit goes to Eli Manning who actually managed to become more loathsome that Steve Urkel himself and to Harris Smith, whose shooting of Plaxico Burress provided an even swifter fall from grace than the Winslow daughter who got into porn.
I've Come a Long Way Since This Photo Was Taken
Carolina Panthers=Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Great defense, great running game, great offensive line, great playmaker, great coaching. Great writing, great performances, great production, great eye candy for your pre and post-pubescent needs. This should be easy right? I absolutely loved this show during its run….but have you ever tried watching Fresh Prince reruns? It’s abysmal. It’s absurdly dated, the jokes are predictable and the clothes made my eyes bleed. You would think a show that was so well made would hold up much better. Likewise, as formidable as the Panthers look this year, this is the same exact team that has grossly disappointed for the last five years. For whatever reason, the total is less than the sum of the parts.
Tennessee Titans=Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper
An extreme example of the Fresh Prince example, I recall this being an okay show. I enjoyed Mark Curry’s work, aside from the fact that when I did turn 13, people stopped calling me Urkel and started calling me Mr. Cooper’s illegitimate son.However, upon further review, reruns reveal that this was truly one of the worst things ever to appear on my television—and that includes many half-hours of The Wayans Bros. Try and watch an episode. I dare you. In fact, I’d love to for you to leave me your thoughts in the comments section after the show—how do you feel about yourself now? About life?
While Tennessee doesn’t stink, most writers and analysts anointed them the team to beat in the AFC throughout the season because of their gaudy record, but now that we look back, they weren’t nearly as good as we thought. They could prove me wrong, but I have a feeling Baltimore is gonna recreate a few scenes from Oz this weekend.
Happy Birthday, Kenny
Pittsburgh Steelers=Cosby
No, not the Cosby Show. Cosby. You know, the half-assed, geriatric version that Bill decided we needed to see. Evidently, the first show left us feeling way too positive about Black representation on television, so Bill gave us a bitter character who doesn’t work. Awesome.
Cosby did have two principles from the Greatest Black Sitcom of all time (personally, I prefer Good Times, but objectively speaking you can’t go any other way) in Mr. Cosby and Phylicia Rashad, so that assured a certain level of decency, but they’ve both seen better days.
The Steelers have all the tools necessary to go all the way, but, aside from Jerome Bettis, this is the exact same team that won the Super Bowl two years ago. I think we’ve already seen the best of this Pittsburgh team. Besides, with all the hits he’s taken this season, Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is in the exact same physical condition as Bill Cosby. Right now, at 71.
Baltimore Ravens=Roc
Set in Baltimore, Roc was flat out the scariest sitcom I’ve ever seen. There were shootings, stabbings, drug deals, sexual assaults and Tone Loc. The gritty feel of the show, the producer’s attempt to shoot the show live, along with their frequent use of local unknown actors meant when someone got killed in Roc, you wanted to call the police. You never saw them again on Roc, or any other show for that matter. They disappeared from your life forever.
The Ravens defense is that violent. Led by Ray Lewis, Terrell “T Sizzle” Suggs and Ed Reed, we’re still not sure what they’re capable of. It’s the single scariest unit in the league. By the numbers, there are arguably better defenses, although I disagree. But this is the only defense that brings a switchblade into the pile.
San Diego Chargers=Homeboys in Outer Space
The biggest mystery in my present life goes with the biggest mystery of my adolescent life. If you can figure out the San Diego Chargers, you can also tell me why someone sent Dwayne Wayne’s best friend into space.
This Happened
Lastly, I’d like to introduce a segment called “Weekly Schadenfreude” because in 2009, I’m going to start feeling better about me.
“After an afternoon of peaceful demonstrations and a memorial service, protests turned chaotic after dark as a small clutch of protesters set trash cans and cars afire and busted windows on police cruisers and storefronts. Police in riot gear responded with tear gas and billy clubs and at least 14 arrests were made, according to local television reports. Several major downtown streets were closed, and helicopter footage showed small groups of protesters roaming through the city’s deserted center. There were no immediate reports of injuries, but sirens continued to echo into the late evening.”
The officer who shot 22-year-old Oscar Grant, Johannes Mehserle, is said to be “devastated.” We’re curious as to how devastated you could be when it’s pretty clear you were itching to shoot the guy, so you did.
Okay, maybe not TODAY, but “I” just heard. President Elect Barack Obama moved to Washington, DC in order to be there for his kids starting school but it seems that he’s in a hotel? Why would the President-Elect be in a hotel as opposed to staying at the White House? Perhaps he just didn’t want to bother President Bush…
Mr Obama had requested to stay at Blair House, opposite the White House, but was told by the Bush administration it was booked up for farewell “receptions and gatherings” and was “not available” until January 15, five days before the inauguration. – The Telegraph
Um…excuse me? I’m sorry. I must be misreading? Did they say the Obama’s just CAN’T stay there because of “receptions and gatherings?” Can’t you do that some where else? I’m fairly sure you can. Kudos to Barack Obama for not doing what Elon James White (that’s me)would have done, which is to lose his shit and explain to everyone involved that I will be running shit within 2 weeks and that they will RUE THE DAY-
That’s why I’m not allowed to be President. That, and the whole not being ridiculously brilliant and crazy educated and…you get my point.
In a delightfully sordid new case of he said / he said, Knick center Eddy Curry‘s limousine driver has slapped him with a sexual harassment suit. David Kuchinsky, 26, claims he he was subjected to various abuses by the basketball star, including having to clean up towels stained with Curry [ha!], getting called a “white devil” and being threatened at gunpoint.
As seen in the 
