In today’s supposedly  post-racial  society,  there are quite a  few  twists and  turns
one must  make while  navigating the racial  highway.  Comedian  Baron  Vaughn
(Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham, Cloverfield) has  dealt  with  many, many  racists
in his day and has decided to share his knowledge to help all people.

IS THIS RACIST?

Dear Baron,
I wanted to return a favor to the superintendent of my apartment. I wanted to buy him some beer. I bought him some Corona. He is Mexican. Will he think, “Poor white guy thinks all us Mexicans drink is Corona?” To top it off, I accidentally bought “Corona Light.” I don’t think he’s a dwarf or a midget, but he’s like 4’6″!! I hope he doesn’t think that I think freakishly short Mexicans only like Corona Light.
BadBeerChoice

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Well, your mistake was trying to make this man feel appreciated. You see, Mexicans in this country have a long history of being completely unappreciated and taken for granted. They’re used to doing a lot for a little. When you tried to go tit for tat, you upset a delicate cosmic racial balance that blinded your judgment when buying beer. And the fact that he’s short means he may have a Napoleonic complex. You got someone who’s not thanked very much AND has a short man chip on his shoulder? A box of Mini Burritos would have been a less offensive gift. Actually, it wouldn’t be, but I’d love to see the look on his face when you gave him that box – as well as the size of your black eye afterwards. When you are white, one of the worst things you can do is get someone of a different ethnicity a present you think reflects their culture. Don’t get Jamaican Red Stripe. Don’t buy raw fish for a Japanese friend. Don’t give cocaine to a Columbian friend. Don’t kill an American baby for a north Korean friend. Next time get the dude something he would actually drink, like water.

___________________________________________________________________

One of my co-workers brought in watermelon. I went in her office to get some, and when I came out I was singing “I love me some watermelon!” The cleaning lady, a nice black woman, spun around looking INCREDIBLY offended. I can’t apologize because then it sounds like I did it on purpose, but, if I don’t say anything, she is going to think I am racist. And not 2008 racist. Like “1962 Alabama racist” because anyone who would be SO RACIST to sing “I love watermelon” should be asked to leave the country. So now it seems my only option when she comes back on Wednesday is to have my Obama bumper sticker prominently displayed next to a photo of you and I.

Melon-in Imparied

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Well the photo of you and I combined with an Obama bumper sticker might work, but if you have a photo of yourself with Obama while you’re wearing a shirt that says “I love black people” while having sex with a black woman that’s wearing a shirt that says “I’m his wife,” that might work better. I know it sounds far fetched. Go to a local antique store to see if they have something like that sitting around. I agree with you that apologizing would be an admission of racism, and that doing nothing would be like saying your entitled to be racist. My suggestion: You have to talk in that voice forever. Everything you say to anyone at work you must sing in that same voice. Of course, she’s eventually just think that’s how you sound. Problem solved. Or you can always talk about watermelon even when there’s none. Then she’ll just think you have an unhealthy addiction.

Do you have questions for Baron? Email him at ASKBARON@ThisweekinBLACKNESS.COM 

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