[MEDIA] Finale: Basketball Wives
Basketball Situations, Broken Engagements, Jump offs, Divorcees and the one Wife (Who hates her husband)
I suppose that title was too long for VH1. So let’s forget accuracy and just call it Basketball “wives”. At this point, I might put basketball in quotes as well because I only recognize one of the baller’s names. The other ones teeth? If I ever saw them, I’d remember–either on the court or trying to destroy Tokyo. I would remember them like a missed dental appointment. I don’t want to go in on this man’s mouth area because I don’t want his mouth area to go in on me. I bet you Jeffrey Dahmer is somewhere going, “Damn… If only…”
That was a terrible joke.
Jeffrey Dahmer killed a lot of people and ate them. The only thing Eric Wiill killed was the entire Miami-Dade supply of crest. His teeth are so big, he can’t use Crest White strips, he has to use Crest bed sheets. Eric’s teeth are so big when he smiles, he powers his entire house with solar energy. Eric’s teeth are so big that when he goes to sleep, his wife has to say to good night to each tooth individually like The Walton’s, “Good night, Right Molar. Good night, Front Incisor. Good night, John Boy.” Eric’s teeth are so big that when he was a kid and his tooth fell out, it took them 3 days to save the family cat. Poor thing was just under there meowing for his life. Ok. I’m done with Eric’s teeth and apparently so are all the dentists that quit when he walks into their office.
You realize that I haven’t said anything about the actual show. Do you know why? Because it’s sucks. Let me recap it for you.
The one with the bad hair job was engaged to some baller for 10 years. I’m sorry if you’re engaged for 10 years an there is no wedding, you’re not a fiancée, you’re Shorty Mack. You’re one of “The Homies”. Engaged for 10 years and then he cheats and she leaves with her children and forgets to take her colorist. Then she drinks and cries a lot. I think her name is Evelyn. Then there’s um… let’s call her Susan. She was also the “girlfriend” of a basketball player from Nigeria for 10 years. Again, no ring but she wasn’t even engaged to this one. She just had a bunch of children for 10 years. Then he dropped her. And she throws drinks in groupies faces and um… gives bad advice. And then we have Royce, she of the p-popping, vagina vacuum dancing. The other ladies don’t like her because she was a former pro-dancer and NBA dancers are the enemy.
Yes. They said this.
I don’t know why they’re the enemy considering it’s their husbands who are out there doing the hoing but fine, let’s call Royce and her tiny lapso apso face “the enemy”. Royce is the baby mama of (insert name here). She’s not allowed to say or tweet his name or she gets sued and I’m not trying to get sued.
All I have is this laptop and a will to live and I’m not giving up this laptop!
So we’ll call her “ex” Height Doward. Royce seems sweet enough, when she’s not dropping it low and sweeping the floor with it, which is always. She just seems clueless and a bit lost. She has this constant “What just happened?” look on her face. That brings us to boring-ass Gloria. Gloria has the nerve to think she’s better than these ladies because she is “wifey”. No, not wife but “wifey”. Meaning she does all the wife like duties. Having kids (no nanny). Taking care of the house (no ring.) but isn’t actually married to her dude. She seems to have some sort of superiority complex about this when really, she’s one “get low and booty pop” away from being Royce. Her disdain for the company she keeps is palpable. Which begs the question, “Why the fuck you there?” Oh, also, her sister is the one that allegedly slept with Shaq thus ending his marriage to Shaunie (more on her later). Right now, we need to talk about Jennifer. *sigh* Oh Jennifer. Boring-ass black Paris Hilton looking, Jennifer. Jennifer is married to Jaws, Eric Williams. Or she isn’t married to him. Or she doesn’t want to stay married to him. She loves his mo– I mean, him but can’t take the infidelity, that she’s been taking for years anymore. Keep in mind, that they have no children. I think she might have just gotten a dog but really…. she has no children. So what the big to stay or not to stay conversation is when they both seem clearly bored with each other, I have no idea. All I know is that she’s boring. And spends a little too much time confronting groups and not enough time doing other things.
Which brings me to one of my major issues of this show. These women have their own lives going on BESIDES being exes to NBA players but that’s all we hear about it. We see them sitting around drinking, gossiping and throwing drinks. According to the VH1 website, many if not all of these women own their own businesses. Jennifer is a real estate agent AND part owner of Flirty Girl Fitness, that obnoxious strip your way to great abs fitness program. You’ve seen it. It’s HUGE. But I didn’t know that until I read the cast bio. Suzi is a luxury real estate agent. Evelyn owns an upscale shoe boutique called, Dulce and Gloria, along with being a mommy, has a business degree and is the executive director of Athletes Vs. Cancer a charity organization. And Royce! Royce… runs and dances for a burlesque dance company that performs around the Florida area!
Well… that’s still a thing that’s she’s doing that doesn’t play basketball. Shauni O’Neal is the executive Producer and narrator of this series. I’m not sure why she, as a former Basketball wife, wouldn’t want to put Basketball Wives (and etc.) in a better light. Why show them as hard partying, barely working, obsessed with their exes rather than the entrepreneur, business women and whatever Royce is doing, that they are. This show could have been an interesting take on a world that many of us aren’t privy to. It could have dealt with living life post spotlight. Calling it “Basketball wives” is not only a misnomer but it does a disservice to the women who have worked hard to be seen as something other than “so and so’s” main girl. It reduces them to spoiled, entitled and frankly stupid. The season finale was last night and was so boring, I couldn’t even recap it. I hope for all involved, that it is the series finale. This show does not need to come back.
Oh, one more Eric William’s teeth joke for the road. Eric’s teeth are so big, he rents them out part-time as a hand ball wall.
Good night! I’ll be here all week.