BLACKBALL: Thanks for the Memories….. | December 16, 2008
Since Mid-December was about when I turned in my Thanksgiving term-papers, i thought it was a perfect time to give thanks to those people, places and things that have enriched my life over the past year. I’m always open to new suggestions, because my dating life suggests I’m not perfect. Starting with my favorite:
1) Phillyfan. No matter how drunk, bitter, violent, inappropriate or amorous we might feel in the moment, we always know someone else has set the bar so high, our exploits will eventually fade into Bolivian. Given just a single joyous moment in the last quarter century, Phillyfan did not disappoint.
2) The World Series. After said 25 years of futility, Philly finally breaks through in the least viewed Series of all time which included a 48 hour rain delay, against an expansion team that couldn’t sell out its own Playoff games. There is a baseball God.
3) The Ultimate Fighter. The one reality show where that loathsome housemate can get blasted in the face without repercussions or anger management.
4) Gliese581. The fantasy team that led my league most of the season, antagonized the other owners every week, caused a 2 day transaction freeze because be dropped a scrub by accident, brought a date to the draft, and swears his Cowboys laid down midseason to allow his fantasy team to rack up points against them. This is EXACTLY what I would do if my team didn’t stink.
Do NOT Let This Man Into Your League Under any Circumstances
5) Matt Millen. In response to the devastating, dream killing Dolphins win last season, Millen selflessly sacrificed his own job to allow all us to dream once more.
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THIS ARTICLE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MCDONALDS, LAUNCHING BLACK MUSIC CAREERS SINCE TYRESE
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6) I do not live in Seattle. Just brutal. The single worst sports year of all time.
7) I do not live in Oklahoma City. Sure, they took Seattle’s basketball team. Of course, it’s not the playoff team with the exciting young point guard they thought they were getting. It’s only one of the worst teams in the history of history. After waiting decades for a professional team, in any sport, it took fans less than 15 games to boo them off the floor. Like they had something better to do.
8) Mike Singletary. While we lost a Reese favorite when Najeh Davenport was waived this year, his loss did not go unnoticed. The 49ers coach’s halftime tribute to Najeh was both touching and timeless.
9) Marvin Harrison. Allegedly shot a guy in the offseason, yet the only question he’s ever asked is whether he’s coming back next season. And he’s Black. I see, all we needed was a Black President to turn that thing around. O wait, I forgot, OJ’s in jail again.
10) Mike D’Antoni. With the Knicks clearly dumping payroll for 2010 and D’Antoni bringing an uptempo style that increases possessions, we might actually see the first 80 point loss in NBA history.
11) Wanderlei Silva. There are crimes, they are crimes against humanity, and there’s what happened to Keith Jardine.
If you feel guilty watching this, just remember, I watch it everyday
Only John Matua can fully comprehend what happened. Speaking of whom, someone recently argued that the last punch Tank Abbott hit him with was a cheap shot. In fact it wasn’t a punch at all. Tank merely asked Matua where his family was seated.
TO BE CONTINUED….
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Wildman Says:
That Silva Jardine Match was Huge for his career. Most regular rednecks did not have a clue that Wanderlei was the most dominant 205’s in the world and undefeated for 4 years. He still makes great fights and its nice to see him in the UFC. I think John Matua gets seizures from watching TV as a result of that fight with Tank Abbot. What a great 2008 its been.
Posted on December 17th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Jus Baba Says:
George W. wouldn’t have gotten caught like that.
Posted on December 17th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
myridon9 Says:
An 80 point loss? Do I dare to dream? That would be hilarious!
Posted on December 18th, 2008 at 10:47 am
jay.lane. Says:
I am forever proud of Phillyfan and happy we made the top of this list.
Boorish, yes, but as much as people want to make fun, we never disappoint when it comes to the innovation of belligerence.
Other cities have no imagination beyond your run-of-the-mill arson and random looting.
We give you shirtless dudes on street signals getting crowned by tomahawked liquor bottles.
Posted on December 18th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Ron Burgundy Says:
If I could, I would spray Phillyfan in the face with a full can of mace spray.
Posted on December 19th, 2008 at 1:38 am
Gliese581 (aka Cutty) Says:
I am the proposed fantasy killer. I make the league interesting and we all know that! I take small chunks of little men’s hearts every time I succeed, hence the scent of boiling disgust that will encircle Midtown Manhattan when I am finally handed my all my year’s fantasy earnings. And, to lay all things level, she was not a date– she was a head-bobbing session anxious to receive her own fantasy earnings, and that damn draft folded over into my dome-time!!
Lastly, despite the ups and downs of my Cowboys, including the thrice-used coal I receive as a gift every December, I still love them, and they love me. It’s true emotion, gentlemen. It’s how we move into a stadium almost 2x as large, lose the last game at our old house in shame and will still fill seats and get TV coverage. My pride starts and ends with a Star. Other teams have been rumored to get “blacked-out” and have “low-attendance”. What are these things?
Hoooraaahhh!!
Posted on December 21st, 2008 at 9:19 am