BLACKBALL: America’s Team
I am bitter. Last night, my beloved Redskins blew yet another crucial game to our blood rival, the Dallas Cowboys, opening the door for prison’s favorite NFL team to squeak back into the playoff race. While 28 years has conditioned me to devastating losses in the rivalry, my cat threw up across his chest. I couldn’t even get mad—I just stopped doing that. Our only solace is having won the game in Dallas earlier this year which started the Cowboys slide into mediocrity, where evidently, we decided to join them.
Pregame Smiles
I hate the Dallas Cowboys. As an upstanding citizen of Redskins nation, that should be a given, but I really hate the Dallas Cowboys. Only the New York Yankees have inspired more bandwagon jumping meatheads, over crowding the bars and partys, eating all the wings but none of the vegetables, thinking the “fumble” was when Jessica Simpson fell out of her dress.
Why makes Dallas important? Last I checked, Washington DC was the most powerful city in the world and Dallas was a decent show. We all do DC but only Debbie Does Dallas. At least there are plenty of drugs. Yet, the star Dallas QB gets the cover of US Weekly and Washington’s QB gets an endorsement from Kenny’s Shoes–which doesn’t even include free shoes.
Dallas is “America’s Team,” we only happen to be “America’s Capital.” How does that work? The Cowboys have become the league sanctioned rehabilitation program for drug addled thugs all over America—clearly the best embodiment of the Inscription millions saw on Liberty Island upon entering the US:
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to Dallas
The star on the side of the helmet used to stand for law. Now, it stands for Probation. That is America’s team.
We not only screwed the Redskins the first time around, you know when it mattered and all, but we compound the issue by making their enemies, the Cowboys, whose freewheeling displaced said Redskins, “America’s Team?” That’s a crime fitting of Jerry Jones’ money.
Postgame Devastation
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